Craigslist on LiveJournal

Through Your Windows

2007-07-11T20:17:30Z

Seeing the number of (often) strange "missed connections" posted on Craigslsit, I decided to add one...

It started at the grocery store. We kept bumping into each other in every aisle. I was too shy to say anything, and I could tell you were interested but afraid to take the first step. Our eyes met, time and time again, and I could tell you took note of my features, by the way your eyes stayed on me as I was standing outside the grocery store bathroom...waiting...for the chance to say hi.

You proceeded to the registers to pay for your Lean Cuisine meals. (Slimming down for me? heehee) I was two people behind you. I would have been directly behind you, if the young couple hadn't cut in front of me. I could tell you were bothered by this, as well, by the way you said "Thank you," to them; they thought you were sincere, but your sense of sarcasm didn't escape me.

I asked the cashier if they'd happen to have gotten your address or phone number off of your check. They said they hadn't. While it was obvious to me that's why you paid with the check, they seemed confused. I paid for my peanut butter with the quickness (Thank you, Speedpass) and rushed-out to the parking-lot. Like fate had brought us together, our cars were in the same lot! I watched you get into your new-model Ford Expedition and drive-off. You threw a glance at me, waving at you to get your attention, over your shoulder before leaving the lot.

The message was clear. You were uncomfortable discussing such personal feelings in public places. I dove into my '05 Hyundai Elantra GT, and sped-off after you. I caught your glance of recognition, as you repeatedly looked into the rear-view mirror, watching me follow you from lane-to-lane on the freeway, then down residential streets. You sped-up, as if to say, "Catch me -- no, catch my heart -- if you can." Playing hard-to-get, you drove into your garage, and watched me as your garage door went down.

I sat outside for hours. I debated whether to come knock on your door. It was obvious you were waiting for me to come in, by the way you periodically peered through the blinds. Your beautiful eyes -- what color are they(?), brown(?), blue(?) -- peeking through the slits, tantalizing me...hiding your body, but baring the window to your soul. I waited for hours, staring at your house, waiting for your regular peeps. I imagined your down-to-business stare would be the same way you would examine my naked, glistening body, lying on your bed next to you while you slept the sleep of an infant or drugged person, tied to the bed (and, if I may use a metaphor, dare I say tied to the moment?).

The police eventually showed. They asked for my license and registration. They asked why I had been sitting outside your house for the last nine hours (9 hours, 23 minutes, to be exact). They asked me to leave. I explained to them that the reason you'd called them is because we were both too shy to talk...you were too shy to invite me in, and I too shy to ask. I tried to explain that they were there to encourage me to go inside; a catalyst, for the turbulent reaction that was our love. However, they did not understand their role. Eventually, I had to leave.

This was three days ago. For the last two days, I've exchanged flirty, furtive, fantastical glances with you, outside your home, gym, and office. The police came again, these last two days. Today they issued me a document called a Temporary Restraining Order. They still fail to realize their part in bringing us together. But I know that this is all a part of your playing hard-to-get. I'm crystal-clear on how we'll proceed. Message received!

I'll be back tomorrow. And this time I've bought a police scanner, so there will be no miscommunications between the local constabulary and my plans for us. I'll continue to visit, every day. We'll be together, of that you can rest assured. Nothing in Heaven or on this Earth can interfere with destiny. I have rope in the trunk. I may not approach you this next day or through the week.

But after I've gone through your house while you're away to learn about you and your toilet habits, you can rest easy knowing that you'll wake one night. Me at your side. You tied, physically and metaphorically, examining my naked, glistening body with your eager, desperately-hungry eyes.

And then, my dear, the fun starts. That's when our future begins.

Soon...

Flag: best-of.

No Shit?

2007-04-16T14:46:42Z

I posted the following ad to Craigslist:

Subject: I need cleaned.

I just took a shit. Who wants to clean my asshole with their tongue?

OK, I know that's gross. But I wanted to see if there were any takers. (For the purposes of this journal -- don't get any ideas.) Surely enough, within 10 minutes, I get a reply...

I'll clean you...if you're a female. Serious.

Well now! I didn't specify my gender, so as not to limit responses. But I'm not in the mood to play, despite making the post. So I let him know...

I'm a male, sorry.

Figuring that would be the end of it, I go do what I do around my house. Later I see his (prompt) response.

Okay. Just for the sake of asking, if you know of a woman who wants to take a big shit on a guy with nothing else asked for, would you let me know? I'd also shit and piss on a guy...

Jake

That's it. There's no punchline. And there were no other e-mails.

Someone's Dilemma

2007-03-29T03:25:37Z

I found the following ad posted on craigslist...

I'm a 38 yr old White female who has a major problem...I have had a sexual relationship with my father for the past 18 years of my life. He would sit on his recliner, I'd jump up on his lap, and I could feel something moving around in his pants. One day, I decided to go for it and I've never looked back since.

Before you judge us, I have to tell you all that I really don't care what you say. No other man can satisfy me sexually as my own father can. He's 66 years old, a CEO for a major company in town, and can still act like he's 20 yrs old while we're in bed...not to mention all the fancy gifts he gets for me (Mercedes Benz, Diamond necklaces, trips to the Bahamas/Europe, etc.) and he really knows how to make me have super-explosive orgasms.

The dilemma I'm facing is that I think I'm pregnant, and I'm sure it's his as I haven't had sex with anybody else in over 2 years. I'm afraid to check, but I'm almost certain that I am.

I don't know why I'm asking people on Craigs List as most of you are imbeciles, but oh well....

Hilarious! So I had to reply...

Two options, as I see it...

1) Abortion - planned parenthood, coat hanger, "accidental" fall down the steps, what have you.

2) Raise the kid, then sleep with the kid. Consider it a family tradition.

Blessed be!

That last line is the pièce de résistance, in my mind.

(Posted) What is Misc. Romance?

2006-12-19T14:28:20Z

Craigslist has a category in their personals section called "Misc. Romance." Because I was not exactly sure what this category was, or specifically how it differed from the Casual Encounters section (which is essentially for no-strings-attached sex), I posted a simple two-line post, asking what it was for and how it differed.

The results? Nothing conclusive. I had a few e-mails from people stating what they thought it was for. The closest to an answer I got was that someone thought it might be for discreet relationships. It is not a heavily-traffiked section, but maybe some day I'll figure it out.

In the meantime, I thought I'd share two responses I received.

First...

I guess for a young man like you it is looking for a misc size dick to suck or get fucked by so cum and let daddy have you

This e-mail was minorly amusing, in a pathetic sort of way. I also found it interesting that this person assumed I was a male, as the classifieds are anonymous.

I would assume, of course, that the majority of Craigslist users are male. I am also assuming that this person seriously thought this response would invite me to jump on his cock. I'm sure there are plenty of guys looking for guy-on-guy action, though I might not have expected those sort of responses to an ad looking for the same.

Second...

m4f- man for female
f4m-female 4 male
w4m- woman 4 man
m4w- man4woman
w4w- woman 4 women
m4m- man 4 man (my type) discrete, gental, friendly, willing to teach properly
willing to answer all questions if you are sensere..a lot to find out about and a lot of it is junk/heresay /bad jokes,etc but I have real answers and am not a pretor on the inncent, be truthful with your question and
I will be respecful and answer it the best I know how.

This response is just...creepy. But also somewhat amusing. It does not, however, really answer my question. If I could think of an amusing follow-up, I would reply.

But my priority is coffee this morning. So...maybe another time.

(Found) Well hung man has Chainsaw - m4w - 31

2006-12-14T21:12:59Z

Found:

Subject: Well hung man has Chainsaw - m4w - 31

I am a well hung man with a chainsaw, If there are any women who need trees cut up after ice storm. I will in exchange for nsa sex.

I came across this ad and found it particularly amusing. And I'm curious if this guy got any responses.

If I were a woman, I'd totally invite some random guy with a chain-saw over for no-strings-attached sex. I see no danger in that.

Project Ideas

2006-12-14T20:55:28Z

On occasion I've posted strange ads to Craigslist, and been surprised at responses I've gotten. For instance, if you're tall, dark, handsome, and rich, people will want to hook-up with you -- even if you post in the ad that you have herpes. Some of the personal ads I've seen are unintentionally funny, whether it's a woman looking to marry for citizenship or a guy who wants to hook-up with women for no-strings-attached sex and promises to bring his chain-saw.

So I thought it would be funny to try to regularly read and post to Craigslist. This journal will contain the results of that use. This page will contain a periodically updated list of projects I plan to do or things I plan to explore. I will update the journal with entries on a semi-regular basis.

Some content may be personally or morally objectionable. Please be aware of that. Also note, that there may be projects that I do that I won't post right away -- because I'm waiting for something or because they're likely to be so objectionable that I don't feel I can post them immediately (so there may just be surprises for the future).

To-Do:

- Amy Tattoo - Personals ad that basically states that I am looking for a woman, but can only date women named Amy because I have a tattoo of my ex's name, Amy.

- Ugliest Girl - Personals/Sex ad looking for the truly ugliest woman on Craigslist (extra points for the ridiculously obese). Maybe blame it on a fetish or something.

- Emotional Baggage - Personals ad looking for a girlfriend who has a large amount of emotional baggage and wants so badly to be happy that she is willing to let me emotionally abuse her.

- Baby To Go - Services ad looking for someone to bear my child -- not through clinical impregnation, but sex -- and then have nothing to do with the child's life. Possible promised monetary incentive/compensation.

- Naked Masquerade Party - Enough said.

- Services Rendered - Post erotic service ad; get hired for erotic service. (Is it possible? May need a twist.)

(More to come -- this is just a few basic ones to get started...)